Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. An hour later I saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin.
Thought to myself ” They’ve lost the plot”….
Only in Ireland….
The National Roads Authority clean-up crew found over 200 dead crows on the M50 near Tallaght recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The NRA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”
The Russian and African ambassadors
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders, and then pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was very impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette.” So saying, he led the Russian into the room where the only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job. Take your pick.”
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal.”
The dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, “I’m so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you
haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150.00!”,
she screamed, “$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!”
“The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.00.
The Memory Clinic Joke
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank.
He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”
So Jesus and the Devil have a Competition
Ary Scheffer, 1854
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone!
It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!” Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours.
Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
Everyone knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?'”
A married woman is having an Affair Joke
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is,” the man replies.
“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
“No thanks,” the man replies.
“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.
“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.
“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.
“Yes it is,” replies the man.
“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.
“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy’s father says “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness”, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Don’t you start that in here,” the priest says.
Web Design Joke
I was in the pub tonight, when I said, “Hey pal, I need a web designer, you’re a web designer aren’t you? Talk to me you ignorant asshole!”
Then the landlord came over and said, “Come on mate, time for you to go, you’ve had enough to drink.”
“Have I feck” I replied.
He said, “I think you will find you have, you’re talking to a spider.”
6 Irishmen Playing Cards…
Six retired Irish men were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
… Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Okay, me boys, someone got’s to
tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet!!! I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs.. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!”, says Murphy’s wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Gallagher