Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. An hour later I saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin.
Thought to myself ” They’ve lost the plot”….
Monthly Archives: April 2016
Only in Ireland….
The National Roads Authority clean-up crew found over 200 dead crows on the M50 near Tallaght recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone’s relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird’s beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The NRA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout “Cah”, not a single one could shout “bike”
The Russian and African ambassadors
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, “As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded. You spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger.”
This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun the cylinders, and then pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was very impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
A year later, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, “Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette.” So saying, he led the Russian into the room where the only occupants were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, “These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job. Take your pick.”
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn’t see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, “Well, great, but where’s the roulette part? Where’s the danger?”
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered, “One of them is a cannibal.”
The dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, “I’m so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed
away.
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.
“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you
haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just
be in a coma or something.
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room,
and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador
Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood
on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination
table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then
looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a
few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it’s
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled
out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as
I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck.”
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few
keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150.00!”,
she screamed, “$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead!?!”
“The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for
it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report
and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.00.