Six retired Irish men were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
… Michael O’Conner looks around and asks, “Okay, me boys, someone got’s to
tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet!!! I’m the most discreet Irishmen you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”
Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs.. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.”
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she see’s a big bad wolf hiding behind a log.
“oh what big eyes you have”, she says
The wolf runs off. Later she see’s him hiding behind a tree,
“oh what big ears you have”, she says
The wolf runs off. Later she see’s him hiding behind a road sign.
“oh what big teeth you have”
The big bad wolf jumps out and says “Will you ever feck off. Im trying to have a Sh*t!”
There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Michael and Peter. Both graduated top of the class at law school, both come from good families and both are equally attractive and well-spoken.
It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Peter. Baffled, Michael takes Peter aside.
“I don’t understand why I was rejected, when Mr Harrisson asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life to uphold it and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”
“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Michael replies.
“Your hands? What do you mean?” “Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”
God is talking to one of his angels. He says, “Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth.”
“What are you going to do now?” asks the angel.
“Call it a day,” says God.
A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
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