Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: “How does it work then?”
Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat”.
Patent officer: “Stupid git! There wouldn’t be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve perfected it”.
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer: “OK, smart arse, enlighten me”.
Paddy: “Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat…”
Patent officer: “Feck off, that’s exactly the same as before.”
Paddy: “No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying ‘”where’s the fecking cheese?” ”
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me.” “That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” Fred went blank.
He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?” “You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that clinic?”