A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s up with the jar?”
“Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money.”
“What are the three tests?” asks the man
“Gotta pay first.”
So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.
“OK, here’s what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila — the WHOLE thing at once — and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who’s never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her.”
“Well, I know I’ve paid my $10 bucks,” says the man, “but I’m not an idiot. No wonder you’ve collected so much money — that’s impossible!”
The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.
“Wherez zat teeqeelah?” he slurs.
He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn’t make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside — barking, yelping and growling, then silence.
Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.
“NOW,” he says, “wherez at ol’ lady with the sore tooth?”
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, “Mom, what’s that long thing on the elephant?”
“That’s the elephant’s trunk, dear,” she replied.
“No, Mom, down underneath.”
His mother blushed and said, “Oh, that’s nothing.”
The father returned, and the mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.
The father took a good look and explained, “That’s the elephant’s penis.”
“Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?”
The man took a deep breath and replied, “Son, I’ve spoiled that woman.”
Q. What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across the cement?
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?”
George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.”
”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
A pastor was hiking in the woods when a grizzly bear stepped into his path. The bear stopped, growled, raised up on his back legs, and his mouth began salivating.
“Oh, God, PLEASE!” the pastor prayed, “Let this be a Christian bear.”
A placid look came over the bear and the bear dropped to his knees. The bear said, “Dear, Lord. I thank you for the bountiful feast you have set before me…”
A Guard called to my door the other day and said ‘ your dog has been caught chasing someone on a bike.. we’re going to have to get him put down ‘ i replied… ‘ YEAH..WHATEVER..
My dog hasn’t got a bike ‘
Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mouse trap. It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles. Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: “How does it work then?”
Paddy: “Quite straightforward. The mouse walks up the ramp. When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade and it slits his throat”.
Patent officer: “Stupid git! There wouldn’t be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat. Get out of my office and don’t come back until you’ve perfected it”.
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single but vital modification: he removes the cheese. He proudly returns to the patent office and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer: “OK, smart arse, enlighten me”.
Paddy: “Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp, leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat…”
Patent officer: “Feck off, that’s exactly the same as before.”
Paddy: “No, no. This time he moves his head from side to side saying ‘”where’s the fecking cheese?” ”
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
“Why are you stopping?” she whispered.
He whispered back, “I found the remote.”
Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. An hour later I saw the same 4 men carrying the same coffin.
Thought to myself ” They’ve lost the plot”….