Tag Archives: Joke

Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Obama,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go. At the White House, Obama¬†spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”
He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the hell¬†is that on the balcony with Dave?'”

Little red riding hood was walking….

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road, when she see’s a big bad wolf hiding behind a log.
“oh what big eyes you have”, she says
The wolf runs off. Later she see’s him hiding behind a tree,
“oh what big ears you have”, she says
The wolf runs off. Later she see’s him hiding behind a road sign.
“oh what big teeth you have”
The big bad wolf jumps out and says “Will you ever feck off. Im trying to have a Sh*t!”

2 Lawyers Go For a Job

There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Michael and Peter. Both graduated top of the class at law school, both come from good families and both are equally attractive and well-spoken.

It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Peter. Baffled, Michael takes Peter aside.

“I don’t understand why I was rejected, when Mr Harrisson asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life to uphold it and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?”

“I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Michael replies.

“Your hands? What do you mean?” “Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”

Paddy dies in a fire……

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”